don’t bother

If I haven’t seen you in a while, do not let the first words out of your mouth be:

“I have something to say to you, but it’s not very nice. . .you got fat.”

and then

spend the whole time asking why I’m not smiling.

or

tell me how I”m supposed to feel
when other people want to touch my hair or my face

or sit around
in silence
while someone else fat shames me.

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Book of Change

Living out of my suitcase this summer was exhilarating.

Every time there was an outing, I had to make a choice. What was most important to me, the absolute essential?

In Vietnam, K and I left a large amount of our luggage in a hostel in Hanoi before leaving for the mountainous region of Sapa. We were gone for two days, one night.

Traveling with nothing but the bookbag on my back and a laptop bag, heading into the unknown. My insides bubbled with excitement. Like I could float around like a vagabond forever, tied to no one but myself. Like the elusive Carmen San Diego, I could be in Halong Bay one day, and in New York the next.

This traveling reminded me of life’s impermanence, one of Buddhism’s core tenets. We could  live our daily lives and keep denying these inevitable things – people get wrinkles, relationships will sour, misfortune hits. But when one accepts that I’m here today, gone tomorrow, that’s when you achieve that sense of calm, of lightness.

It is not that the past is not meaningful. It’s acknowledging that yesterday has past and to embrace today. Clinging to the past will inevitably bring sorrow and pain because there is no way to fully repeat the past. What was yesterday does not always have to be today or will be tomorrow.

As I’m stuffing my large backpack to catch the overnight train to Sapa, the outside Hanoi streetscape features mopeds zooming in and out – honking, swerving, dodging, yelling.

I take a look at my scant belongings and take a deep breath.

I feel an inexplicable lightness of being.

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The fix

From an interior design book: “the trick. . .is setting out with an idea of the problem you need to fix but not necessarily the exact item you need to fix it.”

Instead of me focusing on what “solutions” I need, I should get to the root of the issue before I prescribe what I think is the solution.

The problem is the solution.

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Tea and Empathy

graffitiea

Summer was ending soon, I was down on my luck, still scrambling for a job post-undergrad. My high school friend Tesla and I found our muse in a tea shop called Physical Graffitea in the East Village. S smiled to us as we came in. Her long black hair was tied in a loose braid, as if she had tied it spontaneously. A few wisps of hair were astray, her gold earrings and bangles twinkling. A bold red plaid hung from her body, contrasting with her soft brown complexion.

Tesla had her curious face on, scanning the rows and rows of tea. She asked, “Um, excuse me, could you give us an introduction or something?”

S nodded. “Here is our roibos collection, which features a fruity, tangy flavor. Here are our green teas for calming effects.”

For some reason, Tesla and I were entranced. We just keep nodding and smiling.

S continued to the next shelf, “And here are our mates, which will awaken your senses but still keep you calm.”

Tesla broke the silence with her squeaky exclamation: “Wow, you know so much! This was so informative. You must love your job.”

S laughed. Not a “yes-now-get-out-of-my-face” laugh of typical New York haughtiness. But one that made you actually believe S thought what you said was funny. S said to us, “I love my job, but I have to close up and head out in an hour. Heading over to Williamsburg tonight to watch my friend perform. Do you guys want to order anything?”

We ordered ourselves some yerba mate and one alfajor (made to perfection!), our spirits bursting with childish bemusement and inexplicable levity. How did S have that effect on us?

Her aura. Tesla and I concluded that S’ aura emanated this joy and easy-going effortless-ness that we wished we had. S was down-to-earth. Approachable. Knew how to do her job. How to tap into her own bohemian sense of style. How to talk to people. How to be a supportive friend.  

And achieving “effortless-ness” in my daily life became my number one resolution of 2013.

Some people’s resolutions are formulated with particular quantifiable goals – lose 20 pounds, get that promotion, have a baby. Yet somehow in the search for numerical indicators of success, the qualitative is forgotten. How happy am I? Are my relationships with those around me healthy?

After a whole year (or more?) of depending on adrenaline, winging presentations and projects, it is evident that Tesla and I only saw one side of S. How did she do it all? She must have worked her freakin’ ass off.

It was so counterintuitive to me before, but it takes much effort to look effortless and make other things look effortless. Isn’t effortlessness just an illusion that not everything in life comes easy – that it is in fact the impression/feeling of effortlessness that you instill onto other people. Perhaps that ultimate effortlessness come from in part the preparation, in part the self-confidence that you can deliver. A final piece of this effortlessness enigma is this strange “aura of goodness and empathy” that requires me to dig deeper into myself and address the insecurities I must let go, the obstacles keeping me from empathizing with everyone around me.  

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Filed under Musings, Strands of Thought

Monochrome

Word of the day: 逆風 against the wind

Just from my wardrobe, I’m surrounded by bright colors. Capricorns like me are said to be pretty stubborn. Want to change, but afraid of change.

I want to switch it up, add some prints, to test out some out-of-this-world accessory or hair style, but I end up sticking to what I know. Monochrome over stripes and polka dots. 

Definitely an improvement from high school though. Ma always bought clothes for me. My closeted self was never quite show how I wanted to present myself. Would people “find out” about my true sexual preferences if I wore what would make me look good? Was I even able capable of looking good?

High school summer vacation, about to be a junior, at a mall in Raleigh. I was out of state doing “big kid” things, about to start a one-week Habitat for Humanity project with my friends and a chaperone, building homes for the less fortunate. We had some time to shop wherever we wanted. Despite all that, I could only sit in the sofa of a dark Hollister or wait outside an Aeropostale, being mad at myself. They asked me what I wanted to look for. What was my style? I couldn’t say.

Yet all this time, it is my family that buys me things that are out of my usual comfort zone, but damn, they really what looks good on me. Ma gave me a flowery shirt once that I learned to love. Thanks to my brother for that velvet bowtie and my sister for my favorite grey cardigan. They know I can take that big risk and leap of faith, if I could just rid myself of worrying what the gossip-mongers of the world would say. The loudest amongst them, myself.

These days I know I’ve discovered my love for loud colors, but I’m yearning for some patterns or details. I’m usually stuck in a solid technicolor world, but I’m pushing myself towards a more nuanced reality.

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Filed under Musings, Strands of Thought

Cleanse

Word of the day: 意志力 willpower

Weak stomach all week.
Under doctor’s orders: no milk products. no fried stuff. no iced drinks.
My entire diet, basically.
So much food in Taiwan left to eat, so little time to enjoy it before I return to the States.
No night markets for now. 
All hail plain old congee, fruit, and water. 
Note to self: avoid over-sugary beverages as part of my personal healthy living initiative. Sustainable body, sustainable life. I hope, at least.

The stomach keeps gurgling and I fear pains will strike me at inopportune times. On the MRT, I’m hunched over like an old lady or a leper. Makes me unwilling to get up and move around in public. More excuses not to go the gym. 

Bloated. 脹氣. 
Big bubbles 咕嚕咕嚕 keep on churning.

Am I hungry? Or am I not digesting everything well?
When the doctor asks me during follow up, I pause.
Auntie thinks
I’m not sure how to say things in Chinese.
The truth is
I’m not sure how I feel.

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Like this, like that

Word of the day: 比喻 analogy

This uneaten banana in my bookbag, a representation of how un-mindful I am while eating. I’m running for the bus banana in hand, insert metrocard, sit down, checking work e-mails on the phone, scroll, scroll scroll, reach inside bookbag, and then wetness of a smushed, half-eaten banana. Must be present, in the here and now, or I’ll never catch up to myself.

Guy said once that I find metaphors in everything. Sometimes its even biblical in proportions. Reading too much into things. “You could fabricate any story about anything to match your thinking,” he says.

Yet finding meaning in the quotidian habits of life is for me (and perhaps you) a beautiful thing. Too much in this world goes on unappreciated. How much more present could I be if I walked around with all my senses full-throttle awake and thus amplified?

If we all had a little empathy with the world around us, how much better off would we be? 

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